If there ‘s one factor that everybody can agree on, it ‘s that sharks are cool as shit. They ‘re quick as hell, they ‘ve obtained a whole lot of bitchin ‘ razor sharp enamel (besides you, whale shark, however you continue to rule), even their pores and skin is made up of primarily microscopic enamel, and similar to your reliable finest pal from elementary college, they haven ‘t actually modified over the a whole lot of tens of millions of years they ‘ve been round.
Or so we thought!
Apparently over the previous few million years, a minimum of 9 shark species off the coast of Australia and New Guinea have discovered to stroll behind our backs. These conniving bastards, known as epaulette sharks, now use their fins to crawl throughout coral reefs.
So, to begin with, completely the fuck not.
We trusted you! You had been our rock in a swirling sea of evolutionary adjustments! How may you do that to us, “epaulette sharks ‘, if that ‘s even your actual identify. We cherished you simply the best way you had been, and you then go and betray our belief like this. I wouldn ‘t be shocked if you happen to ‘d truly stab us within the again, contemplating you most likely even have some form of fucked up shark palms now.
When does it finish, sharks??
Well, it doesn ‘t finish there, as a result of guess the fuck what. They ‘re not simply flipping everybody a webbed center finger and scrabbling over reefs, they ‘re truly strolling on land.
OKAY, NO. NOPE.
The audacity. The gall. We ‘ve been weathering a goddamn international pandemic for over a yr, from which we ‘re all gonna need to work by bizarre cagey emotions round rest room paper for like, a whereas, and now this shit? Sharks are leaving the fucking ocean and taking strolls on seashores, and that ‘s what we now have to take care of now?? No. NO. Sharks had their probability to enterprise onto land a couple of hundred million years in the past, they made their choice and I’m placing my foot down. My human, land-dwelling foot. We can’t permit this.
There is already method an excessive amount of shit occurring. Nobody has the time or power to take care of “oh by the best way, sharks need to stroll amongst us ‘ on prime of the whole lot. Maybe you ‘re studying this and considering, “It ‘s not a giant deal! All the strolling sharks are tremendous small, they ‘re not a menace! ‘ To which I say, at first, the truth that you ‘re normalizing “strolling sharks ‘ in any respect is disgusting, you make me sick. Secondly, yeah certain they ‘re small now, however what occurs after they determine they wanna get larger? They ‘ve already determined they need to depart the fucking ocean with out consulting anybody, you suppose they ‘re gonna run it by the group after they need to bulk up?
Fat probability, buddy.
And what sort of an instance is that this setting for sharks which can be already massive? If you don ‘t suppose the bull sharks or nice whites are going to lace up and instantly comply with swimsuit as quickly as they hear about what these 2-foot-long punks are as much as then it is advisable get up and odor the ocean salt. Do you need to need to look him within the eyes and inform Jaws to get off your garden? I don ‘t!