An Open Letter To My Dog Who Won ‘t Stop Licking Himself – Funny Or Die

An Open Letter To My Dog Who Won ‘t Stop Licking Himself – Funny Or Die

Dear Remy,

Let me begin by saying that I like you, and it ‘s vital you recognize this doesn ‘t change that. That being stated, this has gone on for lengthy sufficient and it ‘s time I addressed it. You gotta cease licking your dick and balls on a regular basis, buddy.

I feel we will agree that for probably the most half the final 12 months of me working from dwelling has gone fairly easily, and I ‘m grateful! I’m! Spending all day on a regular basis collectively for over a 12 months is loads, and it ‘s not like you’ll be able to simply open the door and take your self for a stroll to get some house. (You don ‘t have thumbs to open the door, as you’re conscious). I ‘m not unsympathetic, however issues merely have to alter.

Remy, my candy angel, gentle of my life, there isn’t a means you’ll want to lick your ween that vigorously, for that lengthy. I perceive private hygiene, however that is past. Do you understand how many occasions per day I lose monitor of what I ‘m writing or should reread whole emails as a result of all I can concentrate on is the sound of you going to city on your self? Did you recognize that the CIA and the Soviets made their captives hearken to the identical sounds again and again and over as a type of torture?

You ‘re waging psychological warfare on me, Remy. So predictably each single day and but the sound of you licking your dick and balls is one thing I’ll by no means get used to. Like a horrible grandfather clock.

Shlorp shlorp shlorp shlorp

How does it sound each that moist and that loud? Do you could have an amplifier down there? Are you slobbering right into a microphone? Have you found out precisely the place to misinform finest use the acoustics of the condominium? And that ‘s one other factor, I do know we don ‘t have a ton of house, however there’s completely no cause so that you can do that instantly underneath my desk. Right subsequent to the place I work. Sometimes whereas mendacity on my toes.

Get a room, for god ‘s sake.

If I didn ‘t interrupt with a “hey! ‘ or a “shhht! ‘ each jiffy I don ‘t know once you ‘d cease, and I don ‘t assume you do both. You ‘re clear, Remy. You ‘re clear. If I allow you to lick your penis for so long as you needed to lick your penis, you wouldn ‘t have a penis left. You would polish it proper off.

Do you need that? Do you wish to lick your penis into nonexistence? I doubt it, contemplating how fond you clearly are.

Please, Remy, for each of our sakes, principally the sake of my sanity however for BOTH of our sakes, earlier than you lick your self, first ask:

  • Did I simply lick myself 5 minutes in the past?
  • Do I really want to lick myself?
  • Could I spend this time doing one thing else like maybe cleansing up my toys?
  • Is there a cat or a chicken exterior that I may stare at as a substitute?

If you wish to lick simply your balls for some time although, positive. I’ll enable that. But solely as a result of they ‘re not going to be round for for much longer, which is a chat for one more day.

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